Time has passed since 2004 and the Blog that sunk the hearts of my two sisters was done. I thought for sure I had killed them spiritually forever. well.. one I did and sadly no retrieval even though her and I were good friends since birth. a slight a sickness and not one called to see what had happened to me. my heart finally chopped in half and ground into dust ,fine powder by the real truth and I pulled my sisters into it when they could not understand it emotionally nor would my own mother allow them too anyway. I know I was again left. she had done that once before  when I was 13 years old and she had finally told me I was not ever wanted nor loved . I was talking to my kid sister and than she would not allow her totake any of my phone calls again for yet another year. the heart broke on my side and 2 attempted suicides failed and no one took notice anyway.

BUT now one has broken through and realized she has a mind of her own .. a mind a brain and she realizes that moment I was sicker than anyone knew .  calcium very low and my thoughts very cloudy and heart hurt .. I callapsed and a nervouse breadown came with it.

years later , cancer ,surgeries and many other shitty things I have survived and maybe at least two of us can heal slowly .. maybe ? she has yet tto tell my mom she has called me so that may deter her from ever calling again. .. I know the chances are high because who is involved .. my mom.

i am grieving hard

the loss of sir george put me over the edge . that cat went with dignity.

I sat with him wrapped in his baby blanket and he always held my finger as he wrapped hsi paw around my finger and purred so very very very loud. he did and I sang to him very very gently. he simply stopped breathing . It took a bit for the doctor to get him out of my arms ,geaorge was a loyal loing cat and smart. he has gone on now and is reborn already into a brand new human baby boy. no memory of us at all as promised and maybe in about 30-35 years he might run into one of my boys and get a tingle of a past pinch but nothing else . No past memory of any animal be present ever. this feline is now a baby human who is destined to be a physician as he was a time before.

Gage is my best friend. he has not left yet ,I feel him nightly. he roams the perimeters of my home outside as he did in lie. he loved this property. he adored me however more than this property. No9t one being goes on without cause or reason . the canine had no cause to move on but has cause to stay. There is no such thing as earth bound normal delayed souls . they are here. It is Gage who decided to pick out Suzette my great dane only days after his death . odd very odd and she is his type of dog that he would had picked as a mate to be a play buddy . she is big black and floppy ears and the best temperament anywhere  other than Gage. I hear him sometimes coming up the back porch stairs and I end up looking all over for him or I see him walking around in the back yard and I reach out to him and he runs towards me and he evaporates . I truley miss my best friend gage.

 

The next one in line now is Sylvester who  has a bad heart. they can put stents into a cats heart but Sly is small and is weakened. he is so adorable. he stays on my bed all day long ,carried to his food owl and litter box and he sleeps more and is grumpy. weighs 4 pounds . black and white tuxedo kitty. I love the crabby. His time is near so in all fairness if he chooses to have a few cats over for poker he can ,lol

I look at that lil cat and have no idea where he is being chosen to go affter he leaves here . sometimes they stick here for a few days to a year. than move on to what I call my cabin , where all my animals go. who do not have other places that have been chosen for them or decisions that have already been made.

George was the first and only one to have been moved to a human direction because he was only a cat once .and only born one other time .  something exceptional had happened and this had to happen and I was witness to it. I was honored to have known this cat of great wisdom.

 

I ahve been talking to a loacal psychic who does not do pstchic work because it is bad for our health . it is believe me . we hear all the time and see. people take advantage of that for stupid things . they want to know what this is all for . they are the reason they are standing in their own shoes. lol. I have a tendency to get angry at the hole psychic thing anyway. the new age culture of vultures and quakes who came in when I was a natural and told me I was wrong. really? when in fact they had never a clue what they were doing in the first place when I met them . I have an old frind now running a place for wayward angels. dont even ask .. oh go ahead ask.. he  gats good money for angels who have turned their back on the holy part of their winged lives . harps and all live at this house. the tith alone is not cheap especially if you want to buy a harp. I was told when I saw a movie that an angel got its wings everytime you heard a bell ring. Cheaper too. The angel business is a huge business and some psyhi8cs have decided to go into the angel movement. I have recently asked for a pillow with angels wings in it..

 

I know a very good psychic like myself Ariel . he is good. cost is zero and only talks to someone if in is absolutely necessary. I am on that side of teh room. no helping drama queens and bored housewives and lookie lous. wedo not want pay here to help so the functions are high and real and they do take a lod sometimes depending on travel.

I am not talking plane train or automobile .. we travel and fast. I am able to see full view most rooms and pick up smells from miles a way. I here etheral voices clearly and can tell anything that usually gets in the way to back down. The dead are not there to talk to their loved ones .. they are usually there because they want to do what they want to do and has nothing to do with unfinished business .. has to do with one persons guilt and the other persons issue with living. I suggest let it go. people come for the real crap .. from missing cats and dog to old murders and what if's. I love the what if's.. usually I am right. ariel is very accurate on poisoning and ifidelity and abuse cases. what is a ghsost .. awhite sustance .. what is that substance .. pure raw energy from our brains. that has picked up their thoughts of their fears or upsets . ghosts . ever been told you are haunting yourself ?  well u r not really maybe another ghost is but they actually go through your front lobe .. pituatary gland to get to us to at least allow us to see or acknowledge . some folks are just not nor will ever be receptive.

we are rare and we usually have one thing in common brain damage or a brain tumour of some sort in our life time. later ~~

I am back to the blogging

safer and easier and to be quit fair to me I am free'er here. this is where I now stand alone and wonder if this is where my last palce will be in death ? I do wonder sill things like that ? I mean within a few months I have lost my most beloved friend on this earth my dear dog Gage and than the wisest of cats Sir George. Big Al was a child to me and when I even barely talk about Al to this day I break apart  easily. Same for my chesapeak bay  boy Cevez. I have a few cats left and Al's lil friend Sylvester and he is the last of the old ones now. I feel old . I look old with the last 11 years of total hell. I use to thrive in hell and now I cannot thrive in hell at all . I left that bullshit in 1998 and reintroduced myself into that shit again a year later . I took one year off. One year and I cherished that one year like no other. I am never going to get my year back am i ? I am now forvere sad.

i began blogging years ago to help me through the toughest part of like PTSD . those who are not familiar with it .. well it is probably the worst there is  for re-living the life you  u live in today with things that traumatized you ten years past or even a week ago.  No, I am not talk about a knee getting skinned up or a parent scolding. I am talking about belt beating  ,screaming and telling a kid that they lie over and over and over again until they act it out be lieve it and are the program.

worse yet they tend to try to reach out to others and they destroy everyone in front of them  who only want fair weather spouses ,lovers or friends or parents. and if the weather is just right  one or two children can destroy what is left of that parent  piece by piece . Mine did by relivibg every word I spoke in front of a  ex-husband who the dispised  and do and my mother who I had to talk to because I really thought she could work things through with my other family members . well she did .. she lied.

I swear I could yell at my kids.. and they could chase me through a house. I had the worse spouses on earth no doubt and was reminded of this from day one by my parents first and than by my own children and now by my  grown childrens journals and counselors as to how miserably I failed.

I failed miserably.

I look around nad I have busted my ass financially to stay with men for my kids to not go homeless .. I should had gone on welfare. the kids say I did  anyway. I shake my head.

I am at the ned now. I am told by a few I am loved and they leave everytime in notes ,letters ,emotionally. too self centered . I was there for them. all of them from friends to children to husbands ,lovers.

I ended up here. Like  I had began,

Father Pat has told me many times give it all up and travel with the sisters  and take  are of the poor . I would do that . BUT, i cannot runt from my own as of yet. my two boys. Father knows that. And to be honest I am still thinking of going to France for the better health care. I have friends there  and it would work out .

I want to feel safe again and on my own the best I can. I need to be on my owm. I do I do not like to be second guessed, and I know that a parent gathers his spunk when one talks of their  son. but I  hold truth.

I believe I should had left the nut jobs in the dust and walked a way. no onw knows how I feel  or how it feels to be inside my body .. or be here  and know that you are hated . I am be trayed again.. love is a word I hold tight no doubt.  there is no one that knows what that  word really means . sadly theu get off easy by saying they will learn it tomorrow . Really ? I have other knowledge  and u cannot denate that  because I really know  . it does not matter anymore  I thought I was and know I am not .. i am alone.  all  alone  ..except  for th eone

if I created a whole new blog again
one that will be edited in the end anyway
it will be cut pasted
pasted and cut
all the good lines left in
poetry and such
bad images left out
of course
I will either have died
gotten better
so I will  have had to
LIED
to hold my head up in public
and admit I am always a jerk
no matter what
so anyway
onward I go
I shall reply
no more
I loved like no other
I have to confess
I can out fuck most women
or use to at my very best
I use to be able to attract any male
now I hide from them all
I rather they all burn in their hell
they deserve what they get from one end to next
they deserve the worst male of their mates  to behead them
if he looks at her chest
the reason of anger comes straight from a woman's tongue
many of us are replaced due to hormonal release
we are no longer young
some of us have gained weight
some of us sag horribly to simply melting  into
the corners of the streets like candle lite in the warm wind
some of us smell funny ,some of us look like we should have hit
the light a long time ago but many of us have been beaten down
by the trust we gave , children we bore  and lives we handed over
to men we said we would stand by forever more.
AND we got traded in for a fifteen year old.
NOTE: in which we all hope you go to jail .
and than when you believe you are all that the hooker goes for 550
not 5.50 an hour but 550. for four hours and she is barely 18 and now
you pay more for her than you did your wife.
BUT, she looks good on your red sports car honey ,so never worry
 about the money.
My blog is a matter of taste .. it is for all women to rant rave and sometimes be brave to say exactly how they feel through me.
Hell is at times easy on the eyes and at times nothing to see. BUT for some it ain't that fun and it is as real as real can be. 
being thrown a way can be  sad for the spirit that flies alone at night ..

what are we as souls look upon that nights glance
are we souls or a misty glance of simple meetings
simple lust simple hopes of a movie or what our
thoughts provide ,give me my dreams of hopeless
horses of my lover grasping my heart holding me
tight upon the nights end and never allowing that last
penetration to end but to hold the moment in hopes
we die in the minds of memory of lovers
of dreams of souls one as we met in the stars in the moon in the sun
and we will burn bright forever

Recently I have been stalked. I was stalked and I reacted accordingly, I ignored it. Instead I had a back up, someone else track the tracker who was tracking me , the stalker so I did not have to fret ,worry ,panic or for that matter get so upset that if things needed to be brought to the internet police attention I would have proof if the individual became violent. He did not become violent BUT he did become MORE aggressive.
At first when he first came to a place I vlog and blog name VH , he simply "friended" me, I friend everyone [ I shall stop that practice now and forever more ] and after that he sent me private messages all the time asking me personal things regarding my place I live ,children,yt channel, my real name on and on and I IGNORED HIM .. completely .. in the meantime I had a friend sending him warnings verbal warnings to go a way ,back off and to STOP . Finally I had to ask this person to "STOP" than I asked him " to back off, he was making me feel un-comfortable" well he did not understand that so he kept it up. I got another email and than I insisted he "STOP and said NO NO NO NO .. I shall not give you any information on me , my position on wars,children, my personal life or my well being NONONONONONONONONO!!" I ignored him completely and hoped he would go a way. THEN I heard from a friend named David who is a regular on VH who sends me an alert that the stalker is making vids regarding me and another woman.. he tells me to do what the final solution is .. and that is to be loud , very LOUD to run him off , tell him to get off of VH.
I know that in reality I had no power to push him off of any part of the internet unless he has threatened violence or has approached me and attempted harm.. sadly this is why many peopple get hurt when stalked. Law enforcement cannot make a move of these folks until they make the first move ,sometimes leading to the death of the person they have been hunting if that person resists.
I took it into my own hands in a "warning shot " a non-violent loud way that worked .

I made a vid that calmly told the perp that he would leave the site and stop what he was doing to me and another female . He would do it now. I remained calm but direct /firm. I knew I had to be direct and firm calm because I was talking directly at him and was making a point a direct point to STOP .

In the meantime another member got a hold of me asap to tell me that he knew for a fact that my stalker was stalking two females for sure. one the female he had mentioned in the vid he had made earlier and he had made a vid regarding me before that one. He took that one down.. too bad the main evidence was there.He had 3 of us and had been stalking 3 of us in which this other member was turning over to the admins to make sure they would not take down my vid. In the other meantime my own guy David went to admin to give him his report regarding the stalker and his proof. they denied his complaints completely.

I was than approached by admin telling me I was harassing the stalker by making a vid telling him to leave a site and accusing  him of stalking. I was told to take down the vid.. I refused by right of defending myself and the legal right to do this ,in which I do have that right . I did this without masing ,hitting,harming him in anyway. I did this by making him public and making sure peole saw what I was doing to make sure I had a witness that I was being stalked who he was and that I had done everything I could even though they may not understand , they would if anything did happen to me and would be able to identify.

This did not go well on VH with a handfull of people making me look like the perp. as a community or any small town many folks feel the victims ,especially of assault,rape,incest is usually at fault and these issues should stay where they belong ,PRIVATE. people simply dislike the filth all of this represents .. it hurts them badly and no one likes reality. I brought to them reality.
By doing this ,since than I have been hardly talked to , responded to ,looked at. at the time this was happening I told many of them they should be ashamed of themselves and rightfully so. I still feel the same and of course many folks who watched from the distant and never posted were grossed out by these folks completely and asked me why I simply do not close my acct and total them on Youtube and than sue the owners for the behavior of the mod on duty that evening ,in which I could.I do not believe the handful is really worth it ,they proved what they were , a small high school "group"  of  illiterates.Sadly I may be shunned but in the end I am the end of the book that is always the sunset and the wonderful music too.

Someday there will be more advances made in humane human understanding of the victim and why many of us do not like to be VICTIMS and prefer to take on our own perps. Never feel sorry for me , I am quit capable of kicking ass, I have survived this long barley  and will survive for a long time after . I shall die from illnesses not from the bad guys.

As I walk through this process of immobility and with so much web in my head thought that I am lost still I remember what I was taught very VERY long ago and it rings out clearly. My mistakes ring out clearly . HOWEVER , the reality of what I perceived to be the GOOD WIFE is a false reality and I was young at that time and now I know what the real truth is .

Back in the day years ago I would get up in the morning , bath the kids,feed them breakfast get them off to school , vaccum if I had time before work and put in a load of laundry [ if I worked ] if not I did laundry and dusted and straightened took a bath dried my hair curled my hair put makeup on and dressed nicely ,started dinner and the kids and husband came home from work. OH, I was always attempting to stay a certain weight and basically did by golly.
I do not mean to make this look like Leave It to Beaver ,because it was not ,never was nor could be , the life was a mess BUT I was trying in the hopes that if I clean kids clean house skinny body [ perfect ] and looked beautiful all the time that I could keep my man .
Holidays we always dressed up no matter the belief system ,by damn you dressed nicely and we celebrated accordingly. I believe in God ,always have. In the life of entertainment I make people talk and think about how they perceive others only , but on my personal beliefs I have a strong relation with God and nothing makes me flutter when others have their own beliefs because I have mine they have theirs I am comfortable as they are with theirs.HOWEVER on the religious holidays I adore them freely and openly and to be honest they are my most favorite time of year and always have been. You would believe like the rest of the population 2/3  that I would be hanging with them in the depression end.. no. Instead I flurrish. I thank God that I was allotted this time in my life absolutely.
So as the years past I stayed young ,pretty,perfect,house clean and hopeful that a man would love me appreciate me and want me forever more and see me as the wife who is worth it in so many ways . [ laughing at myself ] PLUS I cook , I am a chef .. I cook like a dream come true.. I have a wife resume [ giggling again ] I am a nurse I can  do first aide better than anyone I know of other than an EMT if I had to I can do all the CPR while waiting for the ambulance. None of this matters none of it

So, in the end I find someone who might care and never did. I cooked cleaned kept myself up and I became invisible and I died sorta. I do know my health became worse
My doctor asks me all the time "what is going on at home ?" I tell him. he says " This effects your health , this makes it worse ,have you talked to him ?" I respond with " I have I tried he said it is not his responsibility nor his fault , he has someone else too , so I am shit out of luck .. yes ??" now I was sobbing . the latter part was the part that was added on the other parts the doctor was use to hearing and was disgusted by but he nor I could change a guy who had no ideas or feelings towards his mate.The reality was harsh. Getting through a deep depression because of it worse.

Wanting to die because one is dead already makes zero sense . However the pain has been that bad .To be emotionally dead and feel dead yet dead itself has no nerve endings at all. I have nerve endings and I am hurting badly.

I have wanted to celebrate a holiday with total smiles for so long and for so long I have been totally held back. I love Christmas. Everywhere I feel a pending doom and know that no matter what I do ,say I am going to be wrong in doing saying asking. He asked me what I wanted .. I hesitated .. I feel this " do not ever ask me what you want for Christmas unless you want  the truth " if you want to be exact say " what do you want for Christmas under 25.00 ?" and I shall tell you a gift certificate everytime .Being told for so many years I deserve nothing has made me feel like nothing. I do not mean to compare myself to other wives who are loved but I do. I do not mean to compare myself to women who are loved and cared about ,but I do.
I still remember the house and the "You are not entitled to a house " I will remember that forever in my heart and the outburst of " you have a sense of entitlement and you are entitled to nothing!" that made me want to get out of the car one day and he would not allow me to get out of the car when we were looking at houses up here in mount Vernon. I was dying emotionally.
I could not understand what I had done so wrong other than gain weight . However I do know he was horrible through all of it. In the beginning it got so bad that our first realtor  decided to stop working with us. She did offer to be my sponser in ala non and said she refused to work with my mate again. He was horrid. He simply did not see what he was doing ,than went to a counselor who told him to stick up for himself against me. What she did not know is that I was not the one who was in danger here. I was the one with PTSD.. he was the combatant.
Soon I was to attempt to beg for a house again to get out from paying rent on one house . we were between houses ,the one before we owned , the one we rented was a slum lord and I ate slum lords. However my mate tolerated them and did nothing to rectify the situation and so I was stuck in that position of not having been backed to go after the owner of that house. I would have and would have won ,hands down.I as an owner of homes and a renter have never lived in such filth ever. I live in a world that is different and hard on someone with PTSD . Things have to be in order to make sure that no one has entered or things have changed in its place or their place. My mate is filthy , he calls it cluttered, he is filthy. I was warned by his ex many times before he moved in and I thought " what?" than I saw his van right before he moved in and it was too late . I almost threw up and I actually should have told him right than and there to back off as I saw there was a personal malfunction in his mental health at that point. Instead I took the heat from his last room mates regarding the way he left his room, the trash he left ,the crap he left behind ,the way he leaves things unfinished and Lori [ his ex ] had to clean up after him [AGAIN! ] I believe that was a common thing in their past .I heard it all. I also got box's of junk that were filth and box's of old checks that were bad,bounced and unpaid bills etc.. the guy was over drawn most the time from gambling according to his register on his bank book. He also did not record on his bank book [ a thing I have picked up which never ever did in all my years .. I literally gave up emotionally , he yells at me for paying bills ,eating. mortgage .. and he has receipts floating all over the frigging place.] anyway with him came months of filth maybe years of dirty laundry and things that were so old moldy ,soaked that I washed and threw the rest in storage with a help from a friend . he left for vacation to Europe while I cleaned up after him. usual dealings with him. Never ask him to do anything he has tantrums that are scary , very scary . I believe or use to believe that is how he got out of house chores, now I believe this is a mental health issue and I am trying to do all of it myself slowly.I am going to find a cheap handy man in the spring to help me because the house needs small things done and I do not want the house to lose value or fall apart because he is mentally ill /lazy. To be honest I cannot take the temper tantrums anymore.

When he refused to allow me to talk to his girlfriend in TN regarding her staying with him at the condo I knew she had.It was a dead give away and the fact that he has decided to make it all ok .. is not ok. have I forgiven him? NOT. Am I over it ? How can I be , it has been a few weeks since I found out and he hides his life from me and he is sneakie. I do not trust the guy.

He is going through a job hell right now with his work. To be employed or not to be employed is the question at his place of business, I would get an attorney now and be ready. That is me. Attorney hunting takes time and it is important to be ready. Not him.. so I am going to risk my own health by working 3 jobs again to maintain my health insurance and home. I will lose my ssdi if I go after the gusto.. fucker would not allow me to open my own business.. he does not listen because I am 98% right most of the time..
I am in the hospital I know , loads. I am in and out of the doctors an awful lot . I have a medical condition that he still does not understand nor care to and believes that just any doctor can take care of me. Not true. RARE , It is RARE. he simply hates the fact that I told the damn truth when he met me. " I shall not get better I will get worse " he stayed because I was perfect in his eyes body wise and he lusted after me at that time. I am not that woman at all anymore. I am not.
So, I am thinking what all I can do to make money and fast legally. I know I can do it I have done it before and can again. the hing is NOT to lose the home I live in ever. This is the kids home.

I have not been poor
I have not been poor
I shall never be poor
I shall never be poor
I shall never be hungry
I shall never be hungry
I shall never be homeless
I shall never be homeless
I shall never be naked
I shall never be naked
I shall never be naked
I shall always be warm in the winter
I shall always be warm in the winter
I shall always be warm in the winter
I shall always be cool in the summer
I shall always be cool in the summer
I shall always be cool in the summer
I shall always have two pairs of good shoes
I shall always have two pairs of good shoes
I shall always have two pairs of good shoes
I shall always have electricity gas communications
I shall always have electricity gas communications
I shall always have health insurance
I shall always have health insurance
I shall always have health insurance
I shall always have incredibly good doctors
I shall always have incredibly good doctors
I shall always have incredibly good doctors
I shall always have incredibly good doctors
I shall always provide for my animals with good vet care
I shall always provide for my animals with good vet care
I shall always be very good to all animals
I shall always be very good to all animals
No animals starve
No children starve
no one starves when close to me
no one starves or are homeless when they know me
 I am a safe house
I will never be poor because poverty has never crossed my mind or lips
I am rich in heart
I am of clean soul
I shall help those I can when I can
I shall do the best I can
I shall always know my children will never be poor homeless hungry sick non-insured and they will always have good life always
I am very blessed

I have a cheering section who are desperately trying to keep me going now.
Reverend McMoon [ a signature name  ]  has been here for me for awhile now pushing me towards the light but not towards the "LIGHT" he is a strong catholic ,than of course there is my dear ex -husband and dear friend who I have known for 30 years now who will remain my friend till death. He has gone through some very hard times with me and instinctively knows when I am about ready to blow a gasket and come close to a melt down. a couple years ago I went on a melt down with him and an associate of his during one of my breakdowns ,the pain I put him through and his associate was indiscribable. In that time I had gone through the hardest part of my life earlier by finally confronting my actual mother and two 1/2 sibling sisters  one of which I probably could have left out of the confrontation.That was than and again here I am today in turmoil on a conquest for the age I am today. 245 degrees of total separation from me ,yet I am solid inside myself and knowing exactly where I am at.
There have always been key players in my life ,people who have had to be there to make sure I get through the course. One reason for this is my penchant to off myself [ I am bad at it, but still ..] the other reason is I was given in my beliefs others to defend me since I have no real family and all were men due to their gender [ they get more respect ] and their  willingness to do it and their love for me deep down. [ respect ] and they consider me family and always will. no matter what I do or who I am.

So . I have to say one word to these gentleman today : Thank you for loving me and helping me through this . Understanding me ,appreciating me with all my fopahs and bullshit throughout the years .. thank you .
Happy Birthday   Dan !!